Cupcake Claude

Slugs on Frogspawn with Turd Sauce

2009-11-01T00:02:00.001Z

...or as you commoners might call it: pork and pear sausages, broccoli and pumpkin mash, and fruity brown sauce. Le nom nom. Happy Halloween!

I must apologies to you all, mes grand tetes des vache, for my laziness of late. The truth is...I've got a boyfriend, and you know men - they monopolise so much of your time. "Play trains with me! Put leaves in my hair!" Sigh. His name is Wilfy and here we are, making cakes with added lurve. (I know, he's a bit of a looker).

But enough of the chit chat - let us begin cooking! As you can see, I finally gave Iggle Piggle that call back and am now trialling him as my new assistant (and I also welcome three of the figures from my toy collective, House. Anything which lives in my dollshouse is like Borg). So, on we go...

STEP ONE

Plop 500g of organic pork mince into your iconic turquoise bowl, and grate in two pears.

That's it, Iggle...you love a juicy pear. Upsy Daisy told me. (I've heard all sorts of other unsavoury things too, but I won't hold it against you. Gregoire will tell you that I've never been one to hold a grudge).

STEP TWO

Season! Add a heaped teaspoon each of sweet, smoked paprika and ginger. Go mad with the salt and pepper. Can you feel it, House? I go kerraaazy for the spice!

STEP THREE

Add two slices of bread, breaking it up into bits. I am using seeded because Mamaaa says it is good for my brain (my brain needs no improvement but I humour her). Here, try this, Iggle. Like that bread, don't you, Iggle? Like stuffing your trap? Hmm? You eat that and be quiet...you and your frickin' headband...

STEP FOUR

Beat an egg and add it to the mix, stirring well. Finish off for me, would you Iggle? What's that, too full of bread and pear to stir? Impudent hog. Let me do it. Go me!

STEP FIVE

Time to get Mamaaa to blend everything together into proper sausage meat. You see this blender, House? I could fit all three of you in there. Just saying.

STEP SIX

Shape into sausage-like...er, shapes. Applaud yourself. My beautiful sausages.

I'm sorry Iggle, what was that?

Do you know what? I've had it. And yes, you do seem more at home in a sausage factory than Gregoire. There, I said it! I'm taking your stupid hat, so get over it!

Aaaaaand now back to the wonder of me.

Cook your sausages under the grill until firm and golden. You can use the oven if you're too cheap to buy a grill.

STEP FIVE

Why hello there, unassuming pumpkin! I hope you don't have any plans for this evening. If you did, they are now sitting in a plastic container beside you. Bad times!

Mamaaa performs the arduous task of stripping the pumpkin flesh out for the mask. Look House, she cut a scary face! Before you open your vulgar trap, shove this in it, Iggle.

STEP SIX

Add the trees. Mamaaa says it's called broccoli, but come on - look at it. It is a tree. It even tastes like one.

Now, time to relax while the cooking is done. Whatever shall I do? Oh yes - put House into jars and laugh like a maniac as they struggle to breathe! Mamaaa says Halloween has gone to my head but she has obviously been quaffing gin between photos again.

STEP SEVEN

Ooh, look - it's all cooked! I shall mash the veg with a knob (shut up Iggle) of butter.

And voila! Slugs with frogspawn (the turd sauce will be liberally sloshed over later). Hmm...what's in that pumpkin, Iggle? Is that Upsy Daisy's shoe...?

You know, it's been tough going. Scary recipe, scary pumpkin, fucking useless assistant (again). But I got there in the end. Once again - thank you for joining me in my kitchen, mes petit goujons!

******

Claude de Morgan a la Pomme de Fraise was dressed by Marks and Spencer. Iggle Piggle was dressed by Mothercare.

Recipe and photos courtesy of Mamaaa LTD.

Gregoire had an unfortunate (fnar!) accident whilst skiing and is recovering in hospital. His pilot was floppier than an elephant's - oh, come on Mamaaa! I wasn't going to say that word...le sulk.

Smoked Salmon Fish Cakes

2009-08-30T21:32:00.000+01:00

Bonne Soir, mes petit escargots! I hope you are well.

When Mamaaaa suggested that I cook dinner, I replied that I would create a feat of gastronomic grandeur such as roasted pigeon with star anise and confit of strawberry custard. Of course, it turned out that all the pigeons at Sainsburys were still pooping from above and it is near impossible to make confit of custard. So, I have chosen these simple, tasty and low fat fish cakes (low fat means I can bake afterwards). After all, anything is better than Mamaaa cooking dinner - she cannot make gravy, only embarrassment.

Now - prepare yourself for the return of the iconic turquoise bowl...

STEP ONE
Add to the bowl a bunch of finely chopped spring onions and a half kilo of pre-boiled potatoes (any kind will do). Mash mash mash. How I love the mashing! Bashing the spring onions really brings out their flavour, and bashing the potatoes really brings out their inner mashed-ness.

Mamaaa says we must leave the skins on because they are good for us. I think she was just too lazy to peel.

STEP TWO

Add three tablespoons of light cream cheese and continue your mashing. Once it is well mixed, stir in a packet of smoked salmon offcuts. Mmm....slamon. Give it to me!

STEP THREE

Time to season! Be generous with fresh chives, parsley, black pepper and lemon juice. Note to self: the addition of soil-seasoned chive water does not add to the flavour of the mixture.

Yes, yes Mamaaa - I am getting to the actual shaping now. Sigh - such an impatient woman! Doe she not see my beautiful mash?! Don't forget to slosh in a little olive oil.

STEP FOUR

Shape your mash into six even patties (or more, if you want small ones. I like mine as thick as possible for absorbing lashings of ketchup). All done!

STEP FIVE
Bake in the oven for around twenty minutes at 200 degrees. The cakes are ready when they are crisp and golden brown. One could, of course, coat with beaten egg and breadcrumbs beforehand, if they were wont to be so difficult. (At this point, I may have had a small accident and had to visit the shower. It was the excitement of creation, honest).

Bugger the display - I'm hungry!

Mmm....oh yes...the ketchup brings it all together. Ketchup ketchup ketchup ke - yes, Mamaaa, I suppose it is a bit like toddler crack.

And there we have it - crisp, fluffy fish cakes and keeeeeetchuuuuuup. I said, keeeetchuuuuup! Oh, how I love the ketchup! Can you get drunk on it? I'm feeling woozy...I could swear that the coat stand looks like Gregoire...

Anyway. Thank you for joining me in my kitchen once again - I look forward to sharing many more dinners avec vous. Au revoir, mes petit pois!

*****
Claude de Morgan a la Pomme de Frais was dressed by George at Asda and later, Next.

Recipe and photography courtesy of Mamaaaa.

Gregoire is now working on a pilot with Gary Rhodes, entitled Ready Steady Hell's Saturday Kitchen Nightmares Bites.

Oaty Apple & Ginger Rounds

2009-08-28T22:47:00.001+01:00

Bonne matin, mes petit encornet! I am Claude de Morgan a la Pomme de Fraise, and I welcome you to my humble kitchen. Today, I shall attempt to make soft and chewy biscuits with an 'ealthy edge (oats are superfoods, you know - and I'm sure you are all aware that melting the butter makes the calories evapourate).

I have not yet replaced Gregoire but I have auditioned a guy called Iggle Piggle, and also some upstart named Gary Rhodes (he had copied Iggle's hair; it was embarrassing). I will just have to tolerate the assistance of Mamaaaa in the meantime.

STEP ONE

Get Mamaaa to pre-heat the oven to 150 degrees. Weigh out 400g of self raising flour and add one teaspoon bicarbonate of soda, one tablespoon of ground ginger and a pinch of salt.

STEP TWO

Now weigh out 200g of sugar and add it to the flour mix. Do not dip your drooly fingers in, nomatter how tempting it may be. Acid erosion is everywhere, my friends.

STEP THREE

Mamaaaa has kindly melted 125g of butter (none of this margerine crap for today) and 75g of golden syrup over a low heat, and now we add it to the bowl. What's that Mamaa, even two year-olds can have heart attacks? How very Daily Mail of you to say so!

Now, stir it all together and watch it form the beginnings of soft, cookie yumminess. I shall use my patented blending method. Taste my spoon, dough!

STEP FOUR

You how know I love to beat the eggs (although I abstained from throwing them on the floor this time). I am going to pretend that this one is Gregoire.

STEP FIVE

Grate three apples of your choice (I have Farmer's Market Surprise - you cheapskate, Mamaaa!) into the mixture. Mmm...perhaps I should just...snaffle a leeeeeetle bit....nom nom nom.

STEP SIX

Add in a few handfuls of oats. I am throwing confetti at the wedding of ginger and apple! A beautiful metaphor.

Quick, Mamaaa isn't looking! (She is on facebook again - appauling). This doesn't taste half bad...wait...bleugh, flour lump. I obviously need to le stir a little more.

STEP SEVEN

Line your tins with baking paper and shape your dough into balls.

Sigh...such a lonesome life I lead, even though I am pleased to be rid of that dipshit, Gregoire.

It can make me angry. I shall take it out on you, bowl!

STEP EIGHT

Bake in the oven for around fifteen minutes, until golden brown and firm around the edges. The middles will firm as they cool.

What do you mean, Mamaaa, a watched pot never boils? Are you blind? This is an o-v-e-n.

Mmm...time for a lunch break. I know it is a big Italian betrayal but I luuuuurve the pasta.

I know, I'm a mess. Wardrobe, please!

STEP NINE
Ahh, look - they are done! Yes, they have spread - they may look unappetising but you will be pleased that you put them in your mouth. Mamaaa says they are like Archie from Balamory in this way but she is talking le bonkers, obviously. Transfer you cookies to a wire rack to cool - and your work is done.

Hang on...with you in a minute...ahem...err...

Et voila! My beautiful, squidgey biscuits are done. Would you like one? Tough poop - they are all mine. Mine, muahahahah!

Thank you for joining me in my kitchen today, mes petit chiens. I hope to see you over the weekend - I have a date with a big fish!

****

Claude de Morgan a la Pomme de Fraise was dressed by Marks and Spencer, and later on, Mini Mode.

Recipe and photography courtsey of Mamaaa.

Gregoire is still working for Anthony Worral Thompson. We hear he makes an excellent fluffer.

Sticky Lemon Loaf

2009-08-24T21:11:00.000+01:00

Greetings, mes petit chous! Welcome to the chateau. Today, I shall show you how to make sticky, zesty lemon loaves in just fifteen easy steps (there were twenty six, but I cut out the hissy fit between the eggs and the vanilla).

My recipe makes one big loaf and one small (one for ze weekend, obviously), but half the mixture will make an ample single loaf.

Now, since I cannot find my usual beret, I shall improvise with this bowl...

STEP ONE

Throw all the eggs on the floor. Highly amusing. What's that, Mamaaa? Are you....swearing? Disgusting behaviour.

STEP TWO

Take Mamaaaa to Sainsbury's to buy more eggs. Free range please - think of the petit poulets. Now, back to the chateau.

STEP THREE

Pre-heat the oven to 190 degrees.

STEP FOUR

Weigh out six eggs; mine weigh exactly 400g. How convenient!

STEP FIVE Weigh out 400g of sugar and then add the same in fat (I use Pure because while low in fat, it makes very moist cakes. It's also free of moo, hence maintaining my sleek silhouette).

STEP SIX Cream the butter and fat. Beautifully done, no? And you said I couldn't do it, Mamaa...

One must stay well hydrated in a hot kitchen.

Jesus, has Gregoire been making the tea again?! I want him sacked!

STEP SIX now, where were we? Ah. Whisk the eggs - yes, in a jug this time, Mamaa. Beat them like a British nanny!

STEP SEVEN Weigh out 400g of self raising flour and add half a teaspoon of baking powder.

Zut - what the flying cheval has happened to the beret budget? This one doesn't even have - oh, wait. It's a sieve.

Sieve in your flour. Le shakey!

STEP EIGHT add the zest and juice of two lemons (this is an arduous task; get Mamaaa to do it).

STEP NINE add the beaten egg to the bowl. Then, one must utilise the patented de Morgan blending technique: tipping everything off a spoon 47,269 times. I swear by it.

STEP TEN Add a few drops of vanilla extract (none of this essence merde; where do you think I shop, Lidl?). Stir everything in.

STEP ELEVEN line your tins with a good quality baking paper. Although tempting, do not adorn with crayon.

STEP TWELVE transfer mixture to the tins (it only took me twenty three minutes - a new record!).

STEP THIRTEEN get Mamaaa to put the cakes in the oven, and bake for around 25 minutes, until the tops are firm and springy.

While the cakes cook....time for worship. I bathe in the ethereal light of the Pontipines twice a day; it is good for the posture.

Et voila! Stunning loaves. I like the big one!

What's that, Gregoire? You prefer Nigella's? You keep smiling, my friend - you're getting the chop!

STEP FOURTEEN peel the paper away from the cakes and put on

to a cooling rack.

This one is like your mother, Gregoire - it's a wideload.

STEP FIFTEEN the only step possibly better than throwing the eggs on the floor: sample the delights of your efforts.

Oh yes, I'm getting notes of full-bodied vanilla...

Undertones of zesty sweetness....

Kindly feck orf, Mamaaa - I will eat as much as I please.

You too Gregoire, you tete du merde!

Who put these here - was it Marianne? Such taste! Anyway....

So there we have it: impressive lemon loaves in just fifteen steps, and I didn't really need Mamaaa for any of them.

Thank you for joining me in my kitchen today, mes petit chous. I shall see you again soon. Beaucoup des tombliboos to you all!

****

Claude de Morgan a la Pomme de Fraise was dressed by Baby Gap. Photography courtesy of Mamaaa Ltd.

Gregoire is now working for Anthony Worral Thompson.